After I posted my resolutions yesterday, one thought hit me: this is going to be hard. I felt like I was insane for trying to accomplish so much. The workout goals seemed impossible and the reading goal seemed arduous and stupid. Everything just seemed like too much and I just felt like I was destined to fail. It's only been one week and I've already missed a day writing. My goal of reading thirty minutes every day seems to have completely fallen by the wayside. And I've managed maybe ten minutes here and there sporadically and have started to count reading online as reading. I felt like a total failure right out of the starting gate. Then I realized that they're called resolutions because it's something that takes some strength and resolve to do they're not all going to be easy.
For some reason the diet goals have been the easiest. But I am the girl who decided that I was going to be vegetarian some day in October five years ago and haven't eaten meat since. But working out is like pulling teeth for me and always has been. It doesn't really make sense that someone can have the will power to not touch meat after being a virtual chicken tender fiend, but can't muster the energy to put on tennis shoes and walk around the block for a half an hour. Even the knitting and reading, two of my biggest hobbies, seem like an uphill climb. Every time I look at my knitting bag I almost audibly groan. And every time I pick up a book, the list of all the chores I need to do and all of the stuff going on on the internet starts scrolling through my head. Speaking of the internet, I've been doing very well on not wasting time on frivolous sites. I've been sticking to only browsing for about an hour and have only broken to talk to people long distance on facebook, which I don't think counts as frivolous. I've even managed to stop the urge to succumb to tabbed browsing while I'm trying to get something done online.
So why are some goals easier than others? The goals I have on eating are easy because I enjoy healthy food. I've been drooling over a curried eggplant soup recipe almost as much as I would for my extra cheesy pasta or Mexican food. I also enjoy the satisfied feeling of eating something healthy or making a good choice. I think the knitting and reading are hard just because I do simply feel like there are other ways I should be spending my time, I don't find it as productive as other things. Knitting to me is like smoking and drinking for some people. I only really knit when I'm doing something passive. If I sit down to watch a movie, I usually have needles in my hand. I haven't been watching many movies on netflix lately so my urge to knit has been fulfilled by doing other things. And the working out? Well that's always been a trial for me. Because it's hard. As a kid, I could make anything with my hands. I did pottery, yarn crafts, beading, painting, drawing, collage, you name it and I was able to produce it. But if I was asked to do something athletic, I always floundered. Some people blame it on poor hand eye coordination, but I can play video games and freaking knit, which is stupid complicated. I just stuck to my craft supplies and I still don't think I'll ever forgive my mom for buying me that stupid Skip-it that still gives me nightmares. Then there's the betrayal factor. I played roller derby for a year and a half and quit the team due to many personal issues. I feel like I failed there. I did one athletic thing in my life, I went out on a limb, and I once again failed at it. But even then it was hard. I was not naturally gifted, I came a long way with a lot of practice and worked really hard. I just need to find the intrinsic value of exercise and make some short and long term goals for myself and work hard until I can achieve them. Having an athletic boyfriend doesn't necessarily help either. At first I thought I was jealous of his abilities, but I'm not- I'm insanely proud of him. I'm more terrified that I'm not good enough. Someone that can ride a bike for 3 hours and over 70 miles shouldn't want to be with someone who can't run a block. But I have to realize that he worked hard to get where he is and that there are a lot of things that I can do that he struggles with.
I've taken some time to recover from the insanity of having a full page of resolutions and the added craziness of putting them online. I wrote these goals because I wanted to do these things. I want to be an all around better person. I want to be well read, creative, in shape, and healthy. These goals are all extensions of who I naturally am, or I wouldn't have written them. They're all things that I want and facets of myself that I want to build. There isn't a single goal where I have to start from scratch or completely alter myself. I should commit to them, work hard, and reap the benefits. I posted them online to hopefully document my journey and get support and advice from others. I'm hoping I can look back on this and look at all I've built from this and remember these days when I started. When it seemed impossible. I'm looking forward to meeting the person that this journey will shape me into.
